Saturday, November 22, 2008

I've Come Undone

I am drowning under a mountain of work pressing down upon me as the final exam period nears. The stress of writing yet another comprehensive paper is wearing on me and I am rough around the edges. I bark orders at my husband, at my children, and at the guy in front of me who does not order his food fast enough for my liking. I am coming apart at the seams.

I spend a lot of time in the car driving (fast) to the the preschool, the elementary school, the middle school, and the law school. The only reprieve I get from the insanity is found within the familiar walls of my gym. I am at peace for those sixty to ninety minutes when I am sweating to Ne-Yo, climbing fast and furious up an imaginary mountain or pushing my body to its limits alternating fast walking with even faster running. Friends notice my transformation. I am fit, lean, and running on pure adrenaline, stress, and fruit-flavored meal supplements.

I count the days in iCal. There are only two weeks until the end - two weeks until I reclaim my weekends and evenings. For now, my very worst traits are on display and the full force of them is aimed at those closest to me. I must redirect before I say one too many self-esteem damaging things to my children. My husband insists sex will help with the stress but instead of appreciating him, I push him away and retreat further. The only thing that can save me now is the end of the final exam period. It is the only light at the end of this very dark and very lonely tunnel.


gudnuff said...

Holy frijoles, batwoman. I think giving your man a minute (or five) of intimacy might help him handle the handling of you. It might help him handle whatever you may be leaving in your wake. Easier said than done, I know. But it sure is nice to have someone who has your back and can say nice things right after your sleep-deprived tongue stabs another victim. I am speaking about myself, really. It helps to have someone clean up stress-induced crappy comments. My husband is much more inclined to be forgiving of my stressed-out-bitchiness if we've shared a little sumpin'-sumpin' recently. I tend to feel very self-righteous when I'm exhausted and pissy and stressed and it does not end up well for anyone. The consequences remain, even weeks later when I've finally gotten some rest and am in an equitable mood and wondering why everyone's acting slightly surly towards me. Having an ally can mend a lot of fences, and save you a lot of work in the long run.

Hyphen Mama said...

Wow! It's just 2 more weeks. You'll make it, then spend the next months making up to your family. It'll be worth it.

And congratulations on the leaner you!