Breaking My Silence

I can't believe it's been nearly two years since I've written here. A lot has changed. I passed the bar exam. My children are older, crankier, and more demanding. I have a teen who is anxious to get her learner's permit; 68% of the crankiness comes from her. And my little boy, born during 2L, is six-years-old. Watching him grow is amazing. I am in awe of his boyness, an energy so unfamiliar to this mom of girls.

There is much more to tell you, but I need to review what I've written to determine where to start. I liken blogging to riding a bike. Now that I've pulled it out of winter storage, it needs a tune-up before I can take off. Soon, I'll be coasting. Or crashing. Either way, I'm getting back on the damn bike. More to come.

Auto: Pilot, Erotic, - Mated

Hey there. It's me - your friendly law school blogger. I know, it's been awhile. It is a funny thing: Now that I have more free time to blog, blogging has lost some of its appeal. I've been thinking: "do people really care what milestones my kid achieved or what color I painted my kitchen?" Even my closest friends are not interested in the minutiae of my life; they want the edited the version, the horn book, if you will.

Recently, I accused a friend of being an observer in her own life. My friend takes her camera everywhere she goes to capture every single moment of her children's lives. It's worrisome, this unchecked camera wielding but, admittedly, very handy as I have been the recipient of several excellent photographs of my own children. Still, I think it's odd that my friend would rather observe her life than live it.

Blogging feels a bit like that sometimes. Happily, I have broken the habit of Blog Post thinking. I don't compose blog posts in my head while hanging out with friends nor do I seek ways to create a blog post from the ordinary. I don't want to bore you, reader. I want to write interesting posts and not merely recite what has occurred in my life. I don't know if I can or whether this is the right forum for it. Some rebranding may be in order.

I do still Twitter. I spend more time there than here. Twitter is a faster conduit than blogging. People will tweet something before they have a cogent blog post to accompany it. I am an avid tweeter but only because it's easier than blogging. It's like choosing to masturbate instead of having intercourse with your partner. Masturbation is quick and easy. No foreplay required. Intercourse requires more energy, attention to the other persons needs, and it takes a much larger chunk of time.

Eventually, I will be ready to resume intercourse. Look! I have made a first step towards you, reader. It's only a matter of time until I resume posting three or even four (!) times a week. Hopefully, it will be meaningful stuff. Naturally, I will continue twittering as it pleases me but I am talented. I can multitask.

Stuff I'm Doing Instead of Studying for the Bar Exam

• Playing mini-golf with my children
  

• Taking long bike rides

• Discovering new hiking trails
  

• Exploring local museums
  

• Reading interesting books

• Reconnecting with old friends
  

• Sleeping in*

*For me, sleeping in is waking up at 7:30am instead of at 5:30am.

Morsels

One day I will get around to writing a well thought out blog post - but not today. It's too nice outside and I have too many good books in my library bag to piece together a coherent post. But, I should tell you, there have been some speed bumps in my life. A sampling: I am unemployed and I am not taking the bar exam this summer.

No, I don't feel like a loser. Oddly, I feel liberated - a little cast about - but still firmly in control of my destiny. More information about my future plans will come later. Now, if you will excuse me, I have a beautiful, Colorado day to enjoy, I need to find a recipe for watermelon soup, and I have a sangria to make.

You Can Always Find Me Here

Hard Headed

I am not a role model but I am a hypocrite. I do not wear a helmet when I bike, ski, or skateboard (yes, I occasionally skateboard around my neighborhood). But, I make sure my children always have helmet-covered heads before they are allowed to do any of the aforementioned activities in which I so wantonly and helmetlessly partake.  

My doctor told me "Wear a helmet. A helmet will blah blah blah." I tuned her out once she launched into her tirade about the benefits of wearing a helmet and how my kids will refuse to wear helmets when they see I don't wear one. That last bit is not at all true because I am not like some other touch-feely parents who let their children treat them like shit and then turn around and ask for a second helping. I was raised in the south where good manners are expected. Step out of line and it's a "switch" (a small tree branch) to your backside. I am not even kidding.

I am not quite as iron-fisted as my elders were with me but my children know that mom rules the roost and when you cross mom, then nobody, not even Dad, can save your ass. So they wear their helmets because I said so. And it doesn't matter that I don't wear one. 

But I am a little freaked out about the death of Natasha Richardson's. The media is focusing on her helmetless head and using this opportunity to reinforce the importance of helmets. But I wonder: How the f*ck did that happen? I have fallen harder and on much steeper slopes than Natasha Richardson and I have bonked my head a time or two. Hell, I got hit by a truck when I was a kid and thrown twenty feet into the air before hitting the pavement. I was sans helmet then, too. 

I am of the mindset that a helmet - especially on a ski slope - doesn't help much; helmets don't keep people from crashing and one study shows helmets have not reduced skiing fatalities.

Sure, I may be tempting The Reaper just a little bit but freak accidents happen and wearing a helmet is not going to protect me if it's my time. Natasha Richardson's fall and subsequent death was a freak accident - it could have happened to anyone - but I don't think it's a sign that I should wear a helmet when I ski. I think it's a reminder that I should live every day the way I want to live it even if that way is neurotic and helmet free. 

Staying On Track

Blogging has been getting short shrift lately but I vow to be better about it and to make an effort to blog on a more regular basis. My life is no busier than the other law school moms but I have a personal saturation level and I have reached it. That means something has to fall by the wayside. Blogging, and all my other hobbies, are the obvious choices. 

I am working a lot and still making the networking rounds; I currently serve on several bar association committees, one of which I chair. I know it is a bit excessive, but I think my networking is necessary for building my reputation in the legal community. 

Plus, I have been fighting a cold for the last month or so. Zinc lozenges are keeping it from completely leveling me but lack of sleep and food (I often forget to pack my lunches on long school/work days) are leaving me feeling rundown. I am one cold virus away from a meltdown but I still squeeze in time at the gym. 

Thank goodness for those weekly workouts, wine, and, um, "quality" time with my husband. That trio of goodness is helping my stress levels. Now, all I need to do is hold it together for a few more weeks (six to be exact) and I am home free. Graduation here I come! 

Thirty-Three

For my birthday post, I was going to list thirty-three things for which I am thankful, but I figured with all the memes floating around Facebook some of you are probably all memed out.

I can think of a lot of things for which I am thankful - at least thirty-three and then some - but they aren't things you probably care to read about; it's stuff that matters to me.

But I've got to be a little sappy and sentimental so I will say this: I am thankful for this chaotic, whacked out life that I have and for the people with whom I get to share it. Cheers.

Tears of a Fool

I run into lawyers everywhere these days but the most annoying lawyers I encounter are the ones who just don't seem to understand (a) why I think law school has been a waste of my time, my life, and my money; and (b) why I am not enthusiastic about the practice of law. 

It is as though these lawyers I meet, who gush about how much they loved law school and love their law practice, have never made a bad decision in their lives. If they had, then they would understand that sometimes reality and expectations are dissonant. 

See, I was one of those people who thought law school would be an extension of undergraduate: fun and interesting. Oh, how stupid and naive I was. I still have fond memories of my undergraduate years. I loved my alma mater so much that I cried during commencement because my time there was over. I was nostalgic in a way I know I will not be about law school.

Oh, I am sure there will be tears during my law school commencement, but my tears will be for very different reasons. I will cry because I have six figure debt for a career path I loathe. I will cry because I will be so overcome with emotions - happiness, relief, gratitude, regret - that will all come pouring out of me through unchecked sobbing. 

Sing Out Loud

I've been listening to Christmas music since November 28th and I have heard a LOT of old favorites, contemporary tunes, and instant classics:

• 12 Days of Christmas - Straight No Chaser
• Mary, Did You Know? - Kenny Rogers & Wynonna Judd
• Christmas in America - Melissa Etheridge
• World - Five for Fighting
  

I recommend you add some (or all) of these tunes to your play list and listen to them on a continuous loop. They play well with the classics. You can even sing them loudly in your car or house to, you know, spread Christmas cheer.*

*"The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear." Buddy Elf

Bundesrepublik Deutschland

I have been planning my Bar Trip since I first heard discovered there was such a thing. For the uninitiated, the Bar Trip is a vacation one commences after taking the Bar Exam. Several people I know have gone to Europe. Central America, Costa Rica in particular, is a hot destination.I plan to visit Germany, a place that has been at the top of my destination list for awhile.

Twenty-six years ago, my mother was stationed in Frankfurt. She lived there for six years and, to hear her tell it, she had so much fun and, now, so much regret that she ever returned home to the states. Imagine! If my mother had stayed in Germany, then I might be writing this blog in German. Sadly, I am nowhere near as fluent as I should be considering I took four years of German and participated in several German immersion camps during my youth.

Madhubby also has a fascination with Germany because it is the country of his ancestors. He has dreams - not daydreams but real REM-sleep-induced dreams - of owning a farm in Germany. Except he has never lived or worked a farm a day in his life and is definitely not a "wake up early to milk the cow and collect the eggs" kind of person. So maybe his farming dream is really a country estate/man of leisure dream which is not unlike the similarly slothful dreams of other thirty-something men I know.

But, we will go to Germany if we can pinch enough pennies between now and July. Temperate weather, interesting historical sights, and its proximity to France, Switzerland, and Amsterdam makes Germany an ideal choice for us. There, Madhubby can retrace the steps of his ancestors and I can relax and play in the place my mother loves best.

Weekend Delight

This weekend has been so nice and relaxing. Yesterday, I spent some quality time with a law school girlfriend who graduated a few years ago. She's having her first baby and I'm so excited for her! We went shopping for some stylish maternity clothes (did you know Lucky jeans now has maternity wear?), we had lunch, and made quite a nice day of it. I haven't shopped that much in forever.

Last night, true to my word, I finished my memo. It's good enough and I should get a decent grade on it; I got a B on the rough draft. I reworked it a bit, quickly penned a client advice letter to go with it, and I am calling it done. I'll upload it to TWEN this evening.

Right now my ass is planted on the couch, watching my Sunday shows: The Amazing Race, Cold Case, and The Unit. I'm wide awake, even though I've been up since 3am, because this afternoon Madhubby and I laid down for a three hour siesta. After an hour or so in bed, we were ready for a nap and dozed until dinner time. The kids conked out in their rooms, too. We all awoke refreshed and considerably less cranky; even Madhubby's headache from earlier has completely disappeared. Ah, the power of weekend naps!

The Girl Code

Thou Shalt Not Have Sex With Another Woman's Man

Girl, if you know a man is taken and you sleep with him, then I'm going to call you a slut even if we have been friends since puberty.

If I ask you how you would feel if your man stepped out on you, and you say "I don't live in other people's feelings - just my own," then I will call you a cold-hearted bitch even if I consider you one of my closest friends.

If I say don't you feel it's morally wrong and you tell me "No, he's the one who initiated it," then I will say I can't talk to you right now because you have lost your damn mind - goodbye," even if it means the end of our friendship.

Thought Bubbles

My first class of the new term just started and I'm not in it. I'm not in the car, weaving through traffic, cursing at slow drivers, frantically searching for a parking spot in the lot the parking gods assigned me. The universe had different plans for me today. Instead:

• I am relaxing with the only one of my kids who didn't start school today (Olie), putting the finishing touches on a work project, thinking about biking to the coffee shop, or visiting with another friend who has one-third of her kids home today, one of whom is Olie's little friend.

• I am thinking about my friend in California whose soon-to-be ex-husband just announced that he's moving four hours down the coast to Los Angeles to live with his new girlfriend because "LA is where I need to be." He should have just said "I like pussy more than I like being a daddy to our two-year-old son" because my friend is a smart woman who already knows her ex is a sack of shit. Really, his status can't fall much further with her.

• I am wondering how Lizzie's first day as a seventh-grader is going and whether those Queen Bitches are back at it again this year. I'm sure they are. The bitchiness only escalates from here on out.
  

• I am fantasizing about a weekend trip to Chicago sans family because I'm in a mood that can only be sated by a weekend far, far away from my kids where Madhubby and I can sleep in, have breakfast in bed, eat whenever the mood strikes us, and spend some naked quality time together.

• I am enjoying the silence of a house that has only one kid in it, even if that kid is waging war between Bionicles™ and dinosaurs, because even a war between prehistoric creatures and robots of the future is delightfully peaceful compared to the usual chaos of my life.
  

Laid Bare

Writing that last post was incredibly difficult. I struggled to write it over two days and I'm still not completely happy with it because it is so personal. It is a snapshot into the double life I used to lead and it presents a side of me that is practically unrecognizable today.

But in that post there was no negative message, no If you take my path, then it will lead you into hell type lecture. I read an article, that sparked a memory, that led me to write, and to pour out my story onto the page.

A few hours ago, I pulled the post but I have since re-published it because the writing of it was so cathartic and I think for a certain person the message, if there is one, will be crystal clear.

A World Apart

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Mother Issues

I don't usually write about my relationship with my mom because it's so ridiculous that I would be writing negative stuff all the time and this blog would devolve into a rant about my mom and how our mother/daughter relationship is seriously screwed up. Today, I'm gonna break my silence.

Mom is a giving person who is usually thoughtful and always genuine to the point of being blunt. Being blunt is not the problem because I would rather hear that my hair looks like a hay bale took a crap on my head, than a false you look fine. The problem with this otherwise lovely human being is she thinks she has a monopoly on my time. As if I don't have a husband and three children with whom I like spending a lot of my time.

And if I want to go on day hike in an area with patchy cell service with my husband and three children without my mother tagging along, then I shouldn't feel a need to explain to her why she wasn't invited and she definitely shouldn't be doling out the silent treatment like she's some petulant teen instead of the fifty-something woman she is. I mean, really people, I've got enough drama in my life between fending off boob grabs and playing referee to three extremely egocentric kiddos. Now I've got to add mama drama to the mix.

Truth be told, the mama drama has always been there because I'm an only child and I have always had to bear the brunt of her moods. But aside from one crazy month where I had to move back home because I blew all my rent money on plane fare to visit my future ex-husband, I have not lived in the same state as my mother since I was 19 years old. Thirteen years of doing our own things and going our own ways and occasionally doing things together. It's a model that works for me. Why change it?

Human Soup

We spent two hours at the pool the other day which is a personal best for me. See, I'm germophobic and a public pool is the worst offender in my book.

I make myself crazy imagining what micro-organisms are in the water because some stupid parent forgot to put their kid in a swim diaper or didn't notice the swim diaper was leaking. I just know the pool is rife with bodily fluids - one big human soup, if you will - and it's not fun and leisurely to me. It's disgusting. I spend the whole time obsessing about it and worrying endlessly when my kids accidentally drink the pool water.

There are family cabanas where we swim. Cabanas are basically changing areas big enough to accommodate families. Sounds great only the cabanas, like the rest of the pool area, are public and some people are inconsiderate asses.

The first cabana we walked into smelled like sh*t because there was a lovely present of poop right next to the shower area. How thoughtful. The second cabana was slightly better but there is something about wet toilet paper and other people's hair stuck to a bathroom floor that turns my stomach. I can't stand it, but my husband has no issues with it. He easily moves from pool to bathroom, sans pool shoes (ew), without blinking an eye.

He's part fish and loves the pool but just the thought of swimming around in other people's bodily fluids, hair, and wet toilet paper grosses me out. Add in my swim suit self-consciousness and it's an experience I am never anxious to repeat.

Now In Real Time

I've been hearing about Twitter all over the blogosphere, but I never gave a tweet. I mean who wants to know what I ate for breakfast this morning? Then I remembered the insane popularity of a little social movement called Reality TV. I mean, really, in a world where William Hung has a cult following, surely there is room for those of us with actual talent. So I'm twittering. You can follow me, but I'm warning you, things could get weird between us.

Almost Summer (Break)

The first week of T&E is behind me.  It's manageable, or rather, it is as manageable as a massive, four-credit course can be during summer term (i.e. it sucks).  The kids are nearly out of school, but not quite, so there has been some schedule shuffling.  Today, I had a rare, early morning breakfast meeting, which did nothing to improve my mood for my sucky, afternoon class. Thankfully, childcare for the odd, in-office, work meeting is easily handled by Madhubby and/or grandma. 

Tomorrow, I will use the first of my five excused absences to attend the middle school honors assembly.  Lizzie is getting an award and I can't miss it.  Then (finally) an official start to summer for the kiddos (sleeping in, yay!) and hopefully some found time to catch up with friends and work on equity boosting home improvement projects.