Monday, September 25, 2006

Just Shut Up and Cook

This morning I had the unpleasant task of getting new brakes. Unpleasant because I hate waiting for anything and I especially hate spending money on "car stuff" even if the brake hardware is dangerously close to falling from the car. I can think of lots of other fun things to spend $500 on that do not involve me corraling my toddler in a sterile, toy-free zone for three hours.

Since there is nothing else to do in a sterile, toy-free zone but watch the satellite-enhanced television, which is permanently tuned to only one channel, I was forced to endure the charming Rachael Ray.

Rachael Ray sucked on the Food Network and she sucks on CBS. Honestly, who had the idea to put this woman on television?! She is the anti-Martha Stewart. Her voice has a permanent hoarseness that can only be caused by too many Marlboro Lights. She prepares dishes named after architectural structures - today she made Stoop - and she has no witty repartee or screen presence. She tells stories that she thinks are witty but (amazingly!) get no audience reaction whatsoever. Oh, Rach, it's because you're NOT FUNNY! Her monologue sounds forced and when she does get a few laughs, she doesn't even acknowledge them, but just bulldozes onto the next topic!

A lot of her appeal is owed to her ability to make meals for real people but real people - the SAHPs of the world - already know how to make the "original" dishes she serves up. Really, a little kitchen experimentation and anyone can be a Rachael Ray. As a woman who has done the restaurant scene (my ex is a professionally trained chef), had the enjoyment of dining in four and five star restaurants, and knew Bobby before he was BOBBY FLAY, I think I have a little bit of authority about whether food sucks and to what degree. And my authoritative opinion about Rachael Ray: Run. Run away and don't give this woman any more of your time or money.

I would rather listen to three hours of Paul Dean's southern twang than endure three minutes of Rachael Ray - the Marlboro woman. I will not be tuning in again. Well, unless she has Bobby as a guest . On second thought, that boy and his grill can't even coax me to give Rachael's show ratings points. Her show won't be cancelled if people actually watch it.

Thankfully, I was able to wrest the remote from the technician and switch the channel to something a lot less annoying: Elmo. His voice was a relaxing chant compared to Ms. Ray's. And, at least we all know that Elmo's ruddy color is because he's a muppet and not becaue he's embarrassed because he's an awful wanna-be chef.

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