Distractions

First, it was the "scientific" caffeine test.  Tonight, I am being sucked in by the Time Life Soft Rock infomercial.  Yes, it's cheesy and kind of embarassing that I know all the songs, but anything is better than studying the intricacies of Evidence law. Well, maybe not that one guy who sings "Kiss You All Over."  Ew.  

PO5

We are old school around here.  We don't have cable tv, which means we don't have DVR or TIVO or any other high tech acronym recording device. We have a VCR and a box of mostly blank tapes. 

Madhubby: I need a tape.  Hurry!  The Biggest Loser is on.

Me:  I can't find one.  Here you go - oh, wait!  This tape is the Party of Five season finale.

Madhubby:  Give it here.  We can record over that.

Me: SHUT UP!   That is so not funny.  

 

Anyone else out there totally lose their shit over Party of Five?  Every time I watch Matthew Fox on Lost, I think about him as Charlie with Skeletor Kirstin and how they tried forever to have a baby and then finally....well, you know what happened.  Oh!  And don't even get me started on the whole Julia/Griffin/Justin story line because - seriously - we could be here all night.  

TMI

I watched the 20/20 special on prostitution and, as sad as it was, I was left with one burning question:  How the hell did that $20 hooker "finish" her "date" in FOUR minutes?*  Inquiring minds really want to know because my personal best, for that "service,"  is twenty minutes. Seriously, girlfriend should write a handbook detailing her "trade secrets" because that shit would sell like hot cakes.  I'm just saying.  

*It was actually four minutes from the time she left Diane Sawyer to the time she got back to the ABC trailer, so Madhubby and I estimated she really only did about one-and-a-half minutes of work.  

Leslie Fishbein

If you live in or around our metro area, then you certainly know Leslie Fishbein of Kacey Fine Furniture.  Two weeks ago, at a routine doctor's visit, Leslie suffered complications and was admitted to the hospital.  She had been in critical condition ever since and, today, she died.  

I only knew Leslie from her commercials; she may not have been a nice person or she may have been the most wonderful person on earth.  Either way, our city has lost someone who, at the very least, brightened my television set and was a welcome respite from her annoying counterpart, Jake Jabs.  

The Flying Chair

Last night, while flipping through channels, Madhubby and I landed on ABC where Super Nanny was in full-on savior mode. Now, we don't usually watch Super Nanny, but Criminal Minds was a rerun and we are out of LHOP DVDs to watch (that's Little House on the Prairie for the uninitiated). You bet we own the first four seasons on DVD and we watch that shit religiously.

But, SN was interesting to me because one of the woman's seven children* has ADHD and, as you know, I think my little angel, Olie, also has ADHD. We haven't had her "officially" diagnosed because - really - there is no point because we're not going to medicate her and a good child psychologist already gave us some coping strategies that work very well for us.

That momma on SN surely could have used some of the skills we have learned, because when her son got emotional and started throwing FURNITURE, she sent him to his room. Now, I am no parenting expert, but if my kid was so angry that he was throwing FURNITURE I would not send him into a room with my toddler where he could throw more furniture and hit the baby! That's just stupid, but so is having seven kids in ten years, then acting like you have no freakin' clue why your house is a zoo.



*Me: Do you think she's Mormon? MH: Yeah, I think she's a moron.

Like Dora But Better and Less Annoying

The girls and I, wiped out from our long hike, settled in to watch the DVD I received from Scholastic. Olie began singing along to the catchy theme song as soon as the opening animation began: It's Maya and Miguel. Madhubby and I simultaneously turned towards her, you know this show?! I asked. Yeah, Olie answered brightly, it's Maya and Miguel! Like, duh, mom. Apparently, the kids are hipper than I am and are already clued in that Maya's glowing barrettes mean she has a super idea - not super powers.

We watched an hour of the DVD - or approximately two shows. Immediate standouts were the colorful graphics, the liberal use of Spanish phrases, and Maya and Miguel's diverse group of friends; one child is physically disabled. Not since The Proud Family have I seen race so well-represented and ethnicity so celebrated.

In La Calavera, Maya and Miguel, the twin tween stars of the show, have been assigned an oral project on the country of their choice. Maya picks Mexico, which thrills her Abuela Elena. Miguel chooses the United States, which is equally pleasing to his family. The episode doesn't delve much into the juxtaposition of the two cultures, presumably because most children watching PBS, the channel that broadcasts Maya and Miguel, already know a lot about US culture. Instead, the episode centered on Mexico and its celebration of Dia de las Muertos.

I spent a good portion of my life in New Mexico, so I know all about Dia de las Muertos but my girls were mesmerized by the creation of the sugar skull and the celebration of the dead. They admitted that at times they did not understand the Spanish phrases, but it didn't keep them from enjoying the show.

One thing that did strike me as kind of "off" was when, in a different episode, Miguel's little cousin, Tito, is introduced. While Miguel is lanky, fair skinned and light haired, Tito is short, dark skinned, black haired, and is less fluent in English than his "cool" cousin. On the surface there is nothing amiss, but the subtext I picked up is that being a little less Mexican and a little more Anglo is cool, maybe even desirable.

Still, I think Maya and Miguel is a breath of fresh air. It's a welcome change from television programming replete with bratty tweens. Maya and Miguel are good kids. They work hard, they value their family and they are good friends. And, I think, those are great qualities for any kid to have.

The Lord of the Flies is CBS

I have an unabashed loved for reality tv. Let me count the ways: So You Think You Can Dance, Hell's Kitchen, Breaking Bonaduce and, the lowest-rent, trashiest reality show of all time: My Fair Brady. All of them are my favorites and reality shows and I go way back; I watched The Real World until it became annoying and blatantly typecast. But there is one reality show that I will not watch no matter how terrible or slim the cable-free tv pickings; I will do a craft project before I will watch Kid Nation.

Kid Nation is the biggest piece of shit ever churned out by the reality tv machine. 40 kids building a better world in 40 days? Get the fuck outta here. Unless these kids have had ABSOLUTELY NO HUMAN CONTACT, it's going to be Ralph (and Piggy) vs. Jack all over again.

Face it, our children are not without their own prejudices. I agree with Piaget, which is why I think Kid Nation is a such a crock of shit. There are children whose parents are racist or neo conservatives, or hippy-dippy, as my mother would say. There are parents who are borderline psychotic and there are parents who are just plain crazy. All of these parents have left indelible impressions on their children - " written" on them like a blank slate. There is no way to contain the madness that will occur when 40 individuals are thrown together. The only way CBS can control the outcome, and make it tv worthy ('cause you know this crap is going to be inspirational) is through constant tweaking and interference.

Seriously, if the KN kids make it through without terrorizing each other, then viewers can pretty much assume that CBS has constructed another one of its hit "reality" shows a la Survivor, with medics waiting in the wings and paradise just over the ridge. Only it will have been a team of child psychologists constantly coaching the children about making better choices and appreciating differences.

Blogging From Hell: Turn up the Heat!

It's summer and all my favorite shows are on hiatus. Thankfully, the NBA playoffs weren't on last night either, so I didn't have to watch that peanut head Tony Parker dribble around the Cavs (flat footed much?). But, being cable-free by choice means we only have a smattering of channels from which to choose. I chose FOX, and dove headfirst into Hell's Kitchen.

So, this FOX show...it's popular. It's sensational. It's something to watch on Monday nights. Honestly, I don't think any of these contestants have what it takes but my early favorites are Rock because he's calm under pressure and Brad, because he's already a Sous Chef in a high volume market and should be accustomed to pressure.

As an ex-unhappily married restaurant widow, I know firsthand what kitchen life is like so I can say unequivocally that Chef Ramsay is no joke. My ex was just like Chef Ramsay in the kitchen - he yelled, he screamed, he threw things (sometimes food, sometimes knives), he berated the staff and he walked around with a gigantic chip on his shoulder. And, everyone, even the restaurant owners, deferred to him because chef's are temperamental and, bottom line, they are the reason people come back to a restaurant night after night. It pays in spades to keep the chef happy because if the chef is unhappy, then the food sucks, and so does restaurant revenue.

Chef Ramsay's "tough love" is really good prep for the Hell's Kitchen contestants. My ex trained professionally but these contestants (one from the Waffle House!) need a boot camp experience to get them up to speed. Executive Chef's work very, very hard to earn and keep their spot at the top of the heap. It requires attention to detail, excellent management skills, and excellent culinary knowledge. Not everyone is cut out for the stress of that lifestyle and most marriages do not endure because the restaurant is a jealous mistress; she gets him for holidays, for evenings, and for weekends. Special occasions are a big deal in the restaurant industry; they are usually banner days by accounting standards.

But, the perks? Oh, the perks are lovely. Free food, free wine, big tips (yes, chefs get tipped), private events, unlimited access to restaurant amenities (like ski passes, pool and tennis club membership, use of the private box at sporting events) are creature comforts that kept this young wife company - for a bit. Then, too many holidays, birthdays, and nights alone and that was that. I divorced him. A heart attack at age 36 forced him to quit for good. Now, he chases a different dream, he's softened a bit with age, and, I must confess, our daughter has the most exquisite party food. And, someday, when I finally open my own restaurant, I won't have to look too far for my Executive Chef.

Yawn

24 was so boring last night. President Palmer is still in a coma. Tom Lennox is still a puppet controlled by the mighty hand of Powers Boothe. The Milo-Chloe-Morris exchange wasn't even enough to lift the show from the doldrums. That kiss was so...emotionless. I am still having a hard time believing those two were ever married because she is such a rat face and he's a smoldering sexy beast. Eh. Stranger things have happened.

Oh, and who is Audrey? Bauer is hell-bent on avenging her death whomever she is. He's going to tackle that tomorrow morning, right after he disarms those other four nukes.

I am really hoping that next week will be better. A nuclear strike on foreign soil narrowly averted by a comatose Wayne Palmer!!

Must-See-WTF-Happens TV

"Lost" is on tonight. I used to really look forward to the show but now I'm just waiting for the ride to end. From the previews, it looks as though the writers are cycling back to the Jack/Other Island storyline, since, you know, there are only two plotlines in the whole show.

I do prefer the Jack storyline because Matt Fox has been on my radar since "Party of Five," but I'd like to know a bit more about Desmond, brotha. Or, maybe the writers could finally kill off Charlie. I. Hate. That. Fvcking. Hobbit. His character is so annoying and...petite.

On Monday night, I discovered "The Black Donnelly's" because "CSI: Miami" was a repeat. I'm almost hooked on those Donnelley brothers except Tommy Donnelly bears a striking resemblance to Tobey Maguire who is also annoying and petite. Therefore, Tommy Donnelly is annoying, though lanky but that could just be good camera work.

Ok, I admit it: I have an issue with short, whiny men. Tommy postures a lot but I really don't think the actor has the right look. He looks like he would faint if that ax-wielding dude even breathed on him. Actually, I think he did faint.

What the show really needs is someone like William Costigan, Jr. who doesn't take any shit and will kick you in the fvcking teeth if you so much as look in his direction. With the recent spike in Hollywood stars making the move to tv, it's only a matter of time.

The Real Mysteries of Lost

• Hurley's Growing Waistline: Jorge Garcia has not lost any noticeable weight despite his long walks on the beach and frequent runs through the jungle. Maybe the island wants him to stay fat because that is how the Losties will ultimately escape: by using Hurley as a life raft!



• Sun's Static Stomach: Yunjin Kim's character, Sun, is pregnant. Allegedly. The Sun and Jin storyline has been on hiatus so long that Sun has probably given birth by now.



• Sawyer's Perfectly Trimmed 'stach: Josh Holloway's beard is perfect. It was neatly trimmed when he shot the burrito stand guy and it was neatly trimmed when he escaped from the other island with Kate. Me thinks Sawyer has a groomsman hidden in his secret stash.



• Wonderful White Teeth: Jack is the surgeon but one of the other Losties must certainly be a dental hygienist because the Losties have the most beautiful white teeth. Jin's teeth are positively dazzling.



• Miracle Mile: A van that has more rust than paint, a dead guy and some manky beer is miraculously popped into gear right before it smashes into some scary, pointy rocks because Hurley wills it? Aside from the asteroid, the fire and Libby, that Hurley is one lucky son-of-a-bitch.

How Much Will Lost Suck This Week?

• About the same as last week



• More than last week



• I stopped watching before the season break



• Lost doesn't suck! It's the best it has ever been.

Oscar News

We (again) watched an entire boring awards show (well, during the commercial breaks of Without A Trace and Cold Case). I was disappointed that Matt Damon wasn't there to support his fellow cast members on such a big night but maybe he has stage or media fright. Maybe the baby is teething and it's just not a good time. I know how that goes.

When The Departed took home the gold for "Best Picture," Madhubby and I cheered and hi-fived, which is totally lame but so us. In case you've been in a cave, this is how that little film the The Departed made out:

Best Adapted Screenplay: The Departed

Best Director: Martin Scorcese

Best Picture: The Departed

Bauer, Bombs, and Booze

This year, television execs have really outdone themselves. In past years, Madhubby and I could never find a show that could hold our attention for more than a few episodes. We flirted with Las Vegas, but grew tired of the fluff. The Soprano's was our steady favorite until it became ridiculous and we went cable-free. So, our nights were spent watching PBS or some crappy WB show. Surprisingly, we love so many shows this season that we actually have a need for DVR. This post is the first in a multi-part series to chronicle our burgeoning tv love.

First up is '24.' We know we are late to the party but we never wanted to begin watching '24' in the middle of the season, because then we'd be totally screwed. You ever try to watch Oz in the middle of the season? It's a mind-blowing experience.

Anyway, we love the whole Jack, Marilyn, Graem, psycho Grandpa triangle - um - square. I'm so glad to see Fish (Tom Lennox) in a role that seems to both challenge and fit him like a glove. I even love that weirdo Morris. The accent, the torment. It's all good. I think we're probably the only people in the country who didn't know that Chloe (who is so annoying and rat-faced) was married to Morris.

Didn't you just love last week's episode when Morris sorta falls off the wagon and Chloe totally calls him on it? Or how about Chad Lowe giving Lennox the beat down? I didn't see that flashlight coming and neither did Tom apparently.

I am going to be so bummed if they kill off Assad, though. I know he's a terrorist but he adds some texture to the show. That other guy, Walid, can go. Regina King, I love ya girl, but you are typecast as the angry black female. It was good in Jerry McGuire and Enemy of the State, but that horse is dead. Find a role that stretches you as an actress.

I cannot wait until Monday. Will the President die? Will Assad die? Will Tom die? Questions, questions.

The Grammy Post

Last night was the first time I've ever watched the entire Grammy show. It was surprisingly good. Less presentations and more music made for a very enjoyable show plus the "JT and Special Guest Performer" carrot kept me watching. I wish JT would have sung SexyBack but I like My Love, too.

Ugh. Beyonce? Hot. Ass. Mess. Can she disappear into the same hole where Jessica Simpson is hiding? She is so fake. I love how the highlights in her weave perfectly match her skin tone. Such a golden girl, that Beyonce. Whatevah.

Mary J was off the chain, as usual. Seriously, she killed it. I had tears in my eyes when she won that second Grammy since Mary J has never gotten any Grammy love before last night. I was really pulling for her to win "Album of the Year" and "Song of the Year," but those honors went to the Dixie Chicks. Aside from homegirls needing a new stylist, I'm not going to disparage them their awards. Their music is decent - much better than that James Blunt - so I can be happy for them.

I would have liked a more enthusiastic performance from the Chili Peppers but, it was late. Anthony Kiedis may have been struggling to stay sober or awake or both. So, he did what he did. Ellen's face when AK threw out s*** was priceless. I so love Ellen and Portia. Such a beautiful and sophisticated couple.

I also would have liked for the Grammy committee to actually take a stand and nominate ROCK bands in the rock category. Neil Young and Tom Petty are rock but are they even on the fringe, let alone cutting edge? I don't think so. How about bands like "Incubus" or "Fall Out Boy" or "All-American Rejects?" Or, if they want other bands who are definitely in the rock category, there is "Trivium," "Rise Against," or "30 Second to Mars." The Grammy's try too hard to mirror "pop culture" that they lose sight of their target audience: people who like music and people who know that a Corinne Bailey Rae/John Mayer/John Legend medley sucks.

How about that lame ass Eagles tribute? Did The Eagles give Rascal Flatts and Carrie Underwear permission to butcher their songs? I like Rascal Flatts and Carrie Underwear - when they sing their own damn songs. Not when they completely ruin some amazing classic rock hits. Madhubby's reasoning was that both The Police and The Eagles would have been too much competition for one show and thus caused an ego explosion. He may be right.

So, Grammy folks, next year: don't take too long to give good artists their props, try to stock the categories with artists who are relevant to the current decade, and, if you know the lead singer of a band who is performing has, or is recovering from, a substance abuse problem, try to give that band an earlier performance slot.

Roxanne

I have been looking forward to The Grammy's since I heard The Police were the opening act. Madhubby and I debated about whether Sting still had the pipes to pull off any song. I argued that Sting takes very good care of his body and it makes sense that he would take care of his voice, too. Madhubby relented, yet we never quite agreed on which song The Police would use as their "come back" song.

We both thought it might be Every Breath You Take but then I had an ephiphany that they would pull out the big guns: Roxanne (though I harbored some secret hope for King of Pain). I am so happy to be right because Roxanne still rocks even after all these years even if Sting can't hit the high notes and he did some weird I-forgot-the-words medley. But, whatever. I'm buying The Singles this week and injecting it straight onto the iPod.

**UPDATE: The Police announced that they will tour North America this summer.

Sideways: Comedy for the Middle-Aged

I realize I am late to the party, when you have children you nearly almost are, but I recently watched Sideways and, to be perfectly honest, I don't know what all the fuss was about. Best picture? C'mon! It's a dark movie packaged as a comedy with a whole bunch of wine thrown in, so you would think it would be a good movie. It had its moments - like Sandra Oh beating the shit out of Thomas Haden Church - but overall the movie sucked.

Thomas Haden Church plays Jack to Paul Giamatti's Miles, who is a melancholy, little man clinging to the last rung of hope on this ladder of life. Miles is recently divorced, awkward, and utterly miserable. Miles is so miserable that whenever he is on screen, I feel miserable. His buddy Jack is no better. He is a two-bit voice-over actor who shoplifts the pootie from the lovely Sandra Oh. As if Sandra Oh would give a guy like Jack the time of day in the real, non-tannin infused world. I don't think so. Do I like Jack? No. Am I supposed to? I don't think I so, and it comes as a bit of a surprise that I DO find myself liking him despite his major character flaws.

Even though they played their roles perfectly, Church and Giamatti were not enough to redeem what I considered a movie for old folks or, at the very least, the middle-aged. I like smart comedies. I do. Royal Tennebaums and High Fidelity are two movies that were done very, very well. But, I am thirty years old and well-settled. I'm not scheduled to have a mid-life crisis until - oh - ten years from now. So, all the "poor me, my life sucks" sort of thing just didn't resonate with me.

Also, Napa valley took on an identity all its own, which is cool, but not interesting to me. I like wine and I even drink it on an irregular basis, but I think spending hundreds of dollars on a bottle of wine just to look at it is freakin' ridiculous, as is the snobbery of the whole Napa scene. A bunch of wealthy a**holes getting drunk is not my idea of a good time. I generally run in the opposite direction when I encounter this sort of scene.

Oh! And, the music. Smooth jazz. I mean -really- we're in Napa and we are so sophisticated that all we listen to is smooth jazz. Good God. The movie painted a bleak picture of middle-age that I hope to never see.

Ultimately, when I stripped away all the layers, I was left with a movie about two alcoholics who don't have their shit together. I am certain this was a highly acclaimed movie because most reviewers fall into the target demographic, educated and over forty, but for those of us Gen Xers who grab life by the balls, and believe anything in life is possible, it was just a sad commentary that portrays Boomers as an unbalanced and idiotic group of folks.

Bringing Sexy Back

The hotness that is Matt Damon is on Letterman, tonight. That bartender is one lucky bitch.

Cheating Never Felt So Good

I am so embarrassed. I cheated on Matthew Fox with Taye Diggs. I don't know how it happened. I swore I would not watch Taye Diggs' new show, "Daybreak," because nothing could replace "Lost." But, never one to pass up free schwag, I watched "Daybreak" on ABC's site. And, it was so good. It was sexy and mysterious. It reminded me of how "Lost" used to be in Season 1.

Breaking it off with "Lost" has been really difficult. Each week, I would tell myself this episode will be better but it wasn't. It sucked. Just like the episode before it and the one before that. I watched all the fall episodes and they left me feeling unhappy and cheated. Three seasons to see Sawyer and Kate get it on? That's the big finale?! What the hell! I missed class for that?

I like "Daybreak" so much that I don't want "Lost" to come back after the break because, for the first time in months, I'm actually looking forward to Wednesday nights. So, yeah, I cheated. And, you know what? It felt good.

Somehow We All Get Rum

This is some funny stuff. I had to share: