From Poodle to Turtle

I came across this picture on my favorite gossip site and I just had to share it with all y'all. If you have kids or are in my age group, then you recognize this pooch. That woman in back should be ashamed of herself, though - her shirt totally clashes with her dog.

More of the Same

I just realized my posting has been a bit anemic lately. I'm just really swamped like the rest of the mommy blawgers. I promise I'll update as soon as I get a breather. In the meantime, cheer for the Rockies because I really want to go to a World Series game.

500 Miles

My mother flew into town on Tuesday and I've just now had a chance to sit and blog. I have been her personal chauffeur since she arrived in Denver and it's been very, very frustrating.

She's been looking for THE PERFECT PLACE TO LIVE, which for a nit-picky person like herself does not exist. Unfortunately, I have been her reluctant partner in crime. We drive to hell, then to creation, then back to hell. Hell is too hot and creation isn't hot enough and - now - all her neurotic waffling has me tearing my hair out and biting my tongue until it bleeds. Rentals in Colorado do not cost $450 per month I want to yell. Instead, I say: This place is nicer than the last and I cross my fingers that she'll look past the peeling paint, the dirty carpet and the window a/c unit. My prayers always go unanswered and its back in the car to the next place.

Then, two days ago while leaving one rental, we saw another rental just down the row. So, we stopped. And we called. And we went to see it. She loved it. She said she would take it. Then, this morning I've been thinking...and she listed all the reasons why she did NOT love it. I cringed because it meant more driving and more viewings and I just can't do it anymore. I am tired of driving, of doing u-turns, of cajoling and convincing and coddling. I am headed for a second fuel up - nearly 800 miles of driving - and THE PERFECT PLACE has yet to be found. But finally, we're down to two choices and tomorrow a lease will be signed. Tomorrow, it's time to piss or get off the pot.

The Networking WAHM

Work-at-home moms have definitely reaped the benefits of technology. With my trusty iBook, my office is wherever I can get a wi-fi signal. I am always only a phone call or an e-mail away from the office. And meetings? No problem. Conference calls have been the norm for decades. But, are there downsides to working at home? I think so.

Working from home with a toddler underfoot has been hard enough, but now that it's summer and all three of my children are home, I am overwhelmed. I spend my mornings fielding work e-mails, making phone calls and doing other lawyerly stuff like research and writing while the children have grand pirate adventures and overdose on whichever kids DVD they happen to be into at the moment (right now, it's Cheaper By The Dozen 1 and 2). I break for lunch and some time outside with the kiddos, but all the while I worry that I may miss an important work e-mail, so my laptop and phone are never too far away.

When I worked before and went into the office, it was a nice respite from family life. There was a definitive, bright line: between 7:30a and 4:30p were working hours. All the other hours were free/family time. When I was pregnant with Olie, I slowly transitioned from working in the office two days per week to working at home full-time. The change-up was difficult, just like now, because the office required I be available by phone during my working hours. I didn't have a cellphone or a laptop so I was pretty much home bound. But, with Lizzie at preschool all day, I really did have a quiet space in which to work.

Now, I'm frantic and short tempered because my workspace is never quiet - it's punctuated by Steve Martin singing about a man named Finigan - and I feel unproductive and lazy, even. I want more work, but I'm afraid of taking on too much as I still try to balance being at home with my children with doing the work I need to do. I'm actually thinking about getting a summer nanny for a few days per week just so I can go into the office and have "face time" (the horror!); networking is not an outdated concept for those of us in the legal trenches.

Like a lot of other women, I am steeped in the Gen X notion that women can have it all. Look at me! I say to any woman who has doubts about her own potential. Three children, law school, and a job! If I can do it, surely you can but, honestly, most days I do well to keep my head above water.

Reaching New Heights in Slackerdom

Just saw the Robomower on the Today Show. Are you kidding me?! Here's a thought, if more Americans mowed their own lawns, with an old-fashioned reel mower, pollution and obesity might be less of an issue. I know, I know! Crazy woman over here!

Days Gone By

I had a really good phone call with my best girlfriend J. this morning. We yammered on a bit about who we knew who passed the Colorado bar (a few people) and who we knew who had failed the bar (a surprisingly longer list of folks). J is gearing up to take her second bar exam (silly woman) and I was able to wish her well before we parted ways.

Whenever J.'s number pops up on the Caller ID, I always feel instantly remorseful. I TRY to be a good friend but kids, work, school, home improvement, and fatigue thwart me at every turn. Luckily, all of the women I consider friends are lawyers and they get it; they have children, husbands, and legal sh*t to tend to. Still, I wish I had more time to spend with them, sipping Cosmopolitans and Yellowtail, sharing bawdy jokes at Bunco, or waxing legalese like we used to do. But, the most depressing part is I haven't yet entered the practice of law and I'm already bloody tired of the rat race.

Virginia Tech

There's been a shooting at Madhubby's alma mater! A gunman is loose on the campus. I hope this ends peacefully, but I can't help thinking about Charles Whitman.

We Agree to Disagree

It's not as though I don't have any words to say to or about my mother. I have many, many, many things to say. But, they are not very nice things. They are things that when other people say them, you kind of recoil inside, but nod along like they didn't just completely blow your mind.

This is what I can say: We have come to a mutual understanding that Colorado is not a good place for her to live. Not just my city but the whole damn state. We also agree that she does not like my parenting style, my personality or my cat. Or Jeopardy. I decline to acquiesce that she can treat my children like second-class citizens, point out their flaws to them, her friends, distant cousins and complete strangers, or completely ignore them when they nearly kill themselves right in front of her. So, you see. We are not arguing. We are just politely disagreeing and pretending everything is hunky-dory just as we always have.

Good Friday, Bad Cop

There is a police raid going on RIGHT NOW at the house across the street. Two unmarked cars just drove past my house and parked in front of my neighbor's house. Four plain clothes cops are walking up to the house. Oh! Two went around back. The cop with the warrant is doing the police knock. BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! No answer. Someone opens the front door. Hmm...looks like the two cops around back entered (broke into?) the house because I don't see my scuzzy neighbors anywhere.

15 minutes later
The cops are leaving. Three cops get in one car and leave but the fourth one is staying behind to stake out the house! I totally knew my neighbors were into something illegal. The strange thing is I have not seen them all day. Usually, there are four cars in their driveway. Today, nada. Maybe they skipped town because someone tipped them off. Either way, they will, hopefully, be out of the neighborhood. YAY!

Buckling Down

I am so tired. I feel as though I am trying to slog through mud while carrying 100 pound weights attached to my body by industrial strength chains. Much of it is the medication I take to regulate my depression. I stopped cold turkey (not recommended) for about three months and went back on it right before my mother came to visit. I didn't want to be a total bitch while she was here. So, happy-happy-joy-joy meds were in order.

More of my tiredness comes from school even though we are on spring break. I have lots of outlining and practice exams to do. I have tons of research to do for my Sex paper. The reason I am not getting anything done is because my mother is here where she will remain until the end of my semester. I am thankful for that but I am getting so little done because she wants me to drive her around so she can "get familiar with the neighborhoods."

I have to stop driving her around town to help her get "acclimated" because it is a huge time suck and I have so little of that precious commodity right now. Since she arrived last week, I have only spent a few hours doing actual, paid work, which is very bad for my bank account and impending mortgage payment. I. must. do. more. work.

Have you tried working when you have house guests? I can't do it. Once, I actually quit a job when we had a house guest because work interfered with our skiing plans. Irresponsible, I know, but I was only twenty-four and a new college grad. Another job was easily had. This time, nuh-uh. I need to buckle down and do some work because I actually like and need this job. So, this evening, I will lock myself in my room with my laptop and I will do some work. Right after I watch "24."

Odd Mom Out

I am so not that mom who brings her kid to school really early so that she can socialize with the other moms. I am also not the mom who signs up to send in something I actually must bake; paper plates or napkins, please. I am not queen of the dioramas, queen of gossip or running for queen bee. I am the Odd Mom Out.

I am the mom who does not make friends with other kids' parents because - well - I don't want to. It's cool that our kids like each other and share a common fondness for Bionicles but, sorry, you're not my type. If you are my type, though, that's a bonus, but those parents are so few and far between. We met parents-in-common about five years ago and we were really, really good kid and couple friends for three years. She and I were in law school together, too, but didn't realize it at the time. We were destined to be friends in spite of the kid connection. The friendship is in a lull right now but only because she's busy running her own law firm and - oh yeah - she's got FOUR children.

But moms who run their own law firms while juggling the busy schedules of their children are not moms who hang-out on the playground. That's cool. But where are the moms who telecommute while attending grad school? I don't see them out there either and I'm looking because my friendship circle is getting pretty thin. I'm growing tired of the well-manicured, perfectly coordinated Stepford wives who only talk about religion and the PTA.

So, where are the heck ARE the other odd moms? We are not all attached by the finger pads to our laptops. We talk. We read. We drink Chai Tea Lattes between frantically working during the kids' school day. We are also a wee bit reclusive, which is probably why we are considered odd but I want more friends. I need to chat with other women who understand the unique challenges of being a mother, a wife, and a law student. Women who are cool and who are a bit gruppy like me. I keep looking for them but I never seem to find any other moms like me, which makes me feel lonely. But, mostly, I just feel odd.

Fast Food Lingo

"Thanks, but we don't need a drink carrier"

"Okay" (while handing us a DRINK CARRIER)

"Maybe he doesn't know about cup holders. Maybe they don't have them in cars where he comes from."

"I'm sure they have them in the cars in Grand Junction."

"Yeah. But maybe they're not actually in the cars."

"Hmm. Good point."

Pneumonia Prone

I have never coughed so hard that I felt certain my head would explode. I have never coughed so hard that blood has spurted from my nose. I have never felt as though I were drowning in a sea of snot and phlegm and that the life raft was a goblet of ruby elixir that if drunk could make one dream such fantastic things. Never any of this. Until now.

Can I See Some ID?

Oh, how I wish there was a way to block people from visiting a blog. A big, beefy program that rejects certain ISPs. I bet my friend, code-wizard that he is, could whip up something like that for me. Just a big ol' hand to face: Are you the person who took something from my blog, changed it because it's "funner," and referenced me but didn't backlink me? You are? Yeah, you're not welcome, anymore. We got enough controlling bitches up in here.

Remember awhile back when the Aitch got blasted for her "Your Blog Sucks A**" awards? I thought it was some funny shit. Still do, but for some reason people in the blogosphere were really pissed off. I think it's because Aitch's awards confirmed what a lot of us already knew: asshole translates quite easily into the blogosphere.

Capital Punishment Too Painful?

California's lethal cocktail is coming under fire as being "cruel and unusual punishment" under the Eighth Amendment.

Cruel and unusual punishment? What about Morales' 17-year old victim whom he raped and beat to death? Her death was cruel, unusual, evil, unnecessary, painful, and lonely. And, this fu*ker Morales got to live twenty-five more years after being convicted. How is that justice for his victim or for her family?

When we take away felons' right to vote, I think we ought to void their Constitutional rights, too. One automatic appeal and that's it. No second chances. No moratoriums and absolutely no right to challenge capital punishment wielding the Constitution as a weapon. Capital punishment is painful because it's is considered the ultimate deterrent. It hasn't served its purpose but I still support its use. And, I think lethal injection is too humane for murders and rapists.

As a mother to daughters and as a law student, I can unequivocally state: a**holes like Morales do not deserve to live; the more painful their deaths, the better. In fact, let's put them to death in the same manner as their victims. I'm sure some of San Quentin's residents would be happy to oblige Mr. Morales. It would be like a scene straight out of American Me and the punishment would always fit the crime.

Best Served Cold

Is it wrong to take pleasure in the misfortunes of others? On some level, I know I shouldn't but other times it feels so good. Like when people, who make law school hell, fail the Bar exam. Good times. Or, when someone I despise loses their job. That made the devil in me laugh. Or, when the DINKs across the way have to buy a new roof. Guess they'll be staying home a lot. Or, and this is an especially good one, the ex that ripped out my heart and tap danced all over it (you know who you are) meets his match in a psycho baby mama. Love it.

I know its cruel and heartless to take comfort in the misfortunes of others, but sometimes I don't care. Some people truly deserve every bit of bad luck that comes their way.

The Best Laid Plans

I had such aspirations for this past weekend. We were going to head to Georgetown for a traditional Christmas experience (six feet of snow killed that idea), I was going to re-paint Lizzie's ceiling (it needs a coat of flat paint to cover the ugly, reflective high-gloss I used by accident) but I spent the afternoon watching football and cuddled up under a blanket with Madhubby, reading pornographic "men seeking men" ads on craigslist (um, is placing a picture of your erect p*nis mandatory these days?).

Don't ask why we were looking at those ads. I stumbled upon them and after the first few, I was covered in the stink of desperation; I couldn't turn back until I discovered the depths at which people will debase themselves for a date. I quickly hit bottom. It was a tie between the old guy who likes "69 anytime" and the guy who was "home alone, lights are on and I'm on my knees." He was probably praying to the god of big di*ks.

So, let's recap: I did not do anything holiday related this weekend, I did not do anything home improvement related this weekend and I definitely did not do anything law school related this weekend. I stayed home knitting and looking at porn. Throw in some repressed energy from not having my evening run all week (damn snow) and it's a cocktail for romance. Attempt at your own risk, because things can get out of hand quickly and then you're the one with a knitting needle stuck in your a**. Trust me. I've seen it happen.

One of Us

It is with great sadness that I inform the college of law community of the tragic death of the family of Frank Bingham, a first-year student. Frank’s wife, Rebecca Bingham, 39, and their two children, 4–year old Macie and 2–year old Garrison, were killed Friday night when they were struck by a truck in downtown Denver. Frank survived and at last word was still in the hospital in fair condition.

Although I do not know Frank, I don't think anyone can help but be affected by his loss. It is a the kind of loss that takes your breath away, makes your blood run cold and makes you so, so grateful all at the same time.

Purple State of Mind

Despite the Democrats toppling the GOP for the open Governor's seat, our state is still firmly purple; conservative on some issues and liberal on others.

With 75% of precincts reporting, both Amendment 43 and Referendum I were defeated. I am very disappointed about this outcome. Amendment 43 will add the definition of marriage as "a union between one man and one woman" to our state Constitution and Referendum I would have recognized Domestic Partnerships and allowed those couples to enjoy health and property benefits. But, Colorado voters have spoken: if you're gay, then you're not welcome here.

I know that may seem a little harsh, but what else can one infer? Just to be clear, I voted against Amendment 43 and for Referendum I. I consider myself a middle-of-the road voter with conservative tendencies. Still, I am certainly not going to begrudge someone health insurance or the protection of the law, in a domestic violence incidence, simply because that person is in a same-sex relationship.

Sure, I may be biased because I know people in same-sex relationships, but same-sex couples are just as human as those of us in hetero relationships. They love each other. They are committed to each other. But, that's not marriage? Because voters, who may not even be able to define the word amendment, say it isn't. That's bulls**t!

Just like hetero couples, same-sex couples still need health insurance and no one should have to deal with the headache that is Probate court. Certainly if their partner is abusive or dies, people who choose same-sex relationships should have a voice. But, under Colorado law, they don't. It is disappointing. It is short-sighted. And, it's just plain ignorant.

***UPDATE: Rummy can't handle the truth.

Do You Have a Reservation?

I'm gonna rant here so if you'd like to stop now and cruise on over to someone elses blog, feel free to do so. I'll wait.
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For all of you who are still here: let's chat about this whole reservation system that has been slowly transforming the child-friendly gym goers into a "no families allowed" crowd.

Because I pay $40k in tuition per year I get to work out at a swanky gym that is part of the school. It has the latest in cardio equipment, an awesome Olympic-sized swimming pool and televisions conveniently located wherever some serious pain-inducing working out is in progress. I like it there. It's (mostly) free. I know it's part of my tuition but let's focus on the positives, shall we? The only problem I have with swanky gym is the stupid "childcare reservation" system.

Now, c'mon, when was the last time the "parental" you made reservations? Reservations at a nice restaurant for date night? Sure. Reservations for that impromptu weekend trip to Maui? Sure. Well, not really. But, work with me here. But, a reservation to exercise? A reservation for something that I really don't want to do in the first place? Parents can't be expected to remember to make a childcare reservation because they might want to exercise Thursday morning.

What happened to "drop-in" childcare? We still have that, I was assured, but not on busy days, which, I was also told, is every day but the weekend. Of course you're not busy on the weekend. Weekends are for sleeping in not sweating to the oldies! Now, not only do I nothave a reservation, I am also not going to work out today or tomorrow or...ever, really. But! If I buy a yearly membership, then I can make a reservation up to two days in advance. Um, I don't decide whether I'm even going to the gym until the moment I actually do so it's really unlikely that I will know two days in advance.

What really irks me, though is that swanky gym is not the only local gym with this policy. My local rec center has the same stupid reservation system. The local rec center, for which I pay taxes to support, won't let me drop my child at the childcare center -- again subsidized with my tax dollars -- unless I have a reservation? You guys are one step up from the Y but I'm the one being unreasonable. Yeah. I totally see that.

So, the result is less stay-at-home-parents at the gym, more singles, and more Mom Ass spreading throughout the nation like a plague.